Whenever I see flashing lights, my blood pressure drops slightly. And it continues to drop the longer the flashing lights are in my rear-view mirror.

It’s a defense mechanism, of sorts. If someone really does want to pull me over, I’ll be dead by the time they get to my window. 

Watch Craig Ferguson.

Listen. I’m a big fan of late night television. 

I also firmly believe that when discussing this particular television genre, the conversation should begin and end with two names - Johnny Carson and David Letterman. Everyone else, including but not limited to Jay Leno, is secondary. 

I love Conan O’Brien to death, but when push comes to shove, he’s merely a pupil of the class of David Letterman. Johnny Carson started it and David Letterman continued it. 

Since then, the format has remained largely unchanged. Letterman’s late night show in the 80s and the earlier years of his CBS program in the 90s were the last truly groundbreaking additions to the late night genre.

Conan’s early program was pretty cutting edge - it added a measure of absurd humor to the Letterman formula. But he’s long reached his creative zenith. As a culture, we’ve sort of caught on a bit late. 

Jimmy Kimmel is the every man approach. Jimmy Fallon’s show is sort of bending some of the constraints, but it’s too early to tell if he’ll ever really do something innovative. 

Colbert and Stewart and the rest are a breed totally separate. As funny as they are, their programs are niche programs. They appeal to a very specific person and with a very specific subject matter, despite the fact that they’ve earned a massive fanbase. The network programs are designed for mass appeal. 

So that leaves Mr. Craig Ferguson. 

I feel like in due time, he will become the new king of late night television. 

See, Letterman is the reigning king. Despite not being a rating winner, virtually ever, he is the man that created the type of humor and style of show we recognize as late night today. He’s the Carson of our generation. He’s the trendsetter. The risk taker. And he’s flat out funnier than Leno. 

Conan had an opportunity to be the next Letterman. He was cutting edge and cut from the same type of comic cloth as Letterman - albeit, with a gentler and more likable personality. But when he had an opportunity to do so with The Tonight Show franchise, he ended up being the anti-Letterman. His show was Conan-lite. A touch of Conan flavor, but watered down and neutralized so as not to offend anyone or scare away the chicken broth and vanilla ice cream Leno audience. 

Despite the fact that NBC royally screwed the entire thing up, Conan O’Brien’s show was terrible up until the last two months. 

And coming out of all of that, Conan’s new show on TBS seems to be more or less content with being a decent show. Gone are the over-the-top shenanigans that made Conan’s name a household one. 

So, this leaves Mr. Craig Ferguson. 

His show is incredible. And he does it by himself. His humor is fresh and different from that of the other late night comics. It’s absurd, like early Conan, and cynical like early Letterman. But, what sets is apart, and what makes it great is that the show is undeniably his own. 

This is what made David Letterman the reigning late night commander in chief. 

This is why Conan O’Brien was so treasured by NBC for so long, that they tried to pull the crazy shit they pulled just to keep him without losing Mr. Middle America. 

No one else could do Ferguson’s show. No one has done is before. It’s dynamically different. If you could smell it, it would smell different. 

It comes on at 12:37am - the same timeslot that Letterman and O’Brien once occupied on NBC, and the timeslot that they made names for themselves on. 

In any event, please, do yourself a favor and watch Craig’s show on CBS after Letterman. 

He’s going to be the new king of late night. 

Written by Justin J. Milliner, who plans to succeed him.

Why are you mad about Valentine’s Day?

I know a lot of people - predominantly those who are single, but there are a few in relationships that feel similarly - that are straight up pissed about Valentine’s Day. 

Why?

Let’s all get something straight - Valentine’s Day is a commercial creation. It’s not a holiday. Despite pressure companies like Hallmark and Hershey, it doesn’t need to be celebrated. You simply do not need to recognize it. It’s not a holiday, it’s just a day. 

So, what are you upset about? Relax. 

I don’t have anything against it, personally. When I’ve had a significant other, I made sure I sent them some sort of flowers or chocolates. Or both. And we’d go out to dinner or something like that. Cutesy and romantic. No big deal. 

Now that I don’t have a significant other, I’m not mad or sad or anything. I’m just not going to do anything out of the ordinary tomorrow. If you have a significant other, or someone that has recently caught your eye, then by all means you should take advantage of Valentine’s Day. 

In all honesty, Valentine’s Day should not be your excuse to buy things for your girlfriend/boyfriend. You shouldn’t do something romantic or nice for them just because it’s Valentine’s Day. You should always treat him/her well. 

But I don’t understand why people feel upset or badly about Valentine’s Day if they don’t have someone to celebrate it with. Hallmark wants you to feel bad because they like to make money. They want you to feel pressure so that you find someone to celebrate with - celebrate as in buy a lot of pink stuff and cards. 

This is fine. It’s actually very American. But please, don’t feel bad. That’s just being silly. 

Don’t be silly. Instead, go to the store and buy yourself some discounted candy. 

Written by Justin J. Milliner, while he munched on some Sweethearts. 

Tea.

I was never much of a tea drinker. I certainly like tea. But it usually comes in second place behind coffee when it comes to hot beverages.

Today, I noticed that a buddy of mine was drinking tea. I see him drinking tea all the time, but today for some reason, it stood out to me. I asked him about it, and we talked a little while about tea. I ended going with him to purchase a tea of my own.

Which is sort of funny. What I did was I purchased a cup of boiling water and as a reward for doing that, they let me pick out a bag of flavored leaves to go with it.

I don’t know why my mind works that way.

But in any event, I feel in love with the tea. It has a subtle and pleasant aroma and taste. It’s like coffee’s more sophisticated sister.

You see, like coffee it is a hot beverage. But unlike coffee, it doesn’t have to burning hot to be enjoyed. Tea is very tasty at a hair above lukewarm. At least to me. Coffee at that temperature is not very good.

Tea gives you a gentle caffeine boost, should you choose to drink a caffeinated variety. Coffee tends to give you more of a jolt, followed by a crash. In some cases this is preferred, but not every.

Also, tea is a bit of a cleanser. But a gentle cleanser. It’s like Dial soap versus a Clorox product that is coffee. Coffee cleans you out. Tea sort of gently refreshes you.

While I can’t say that I prefer tea to coffee, or coffee to tea, I can say that I’m aware of how each is used. And I can now use both of them as compliments of one another.

Written by Justin J. Milliner - in between bites of cucumber sandwiches.