June 2012
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May 2012
19 posts
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Justin's Law of Modern Communication.
After Joe and I revamped the site’s layout, I decided to make a few personal changes to my writing. One of those changes was that I was going to stop theorizing. I figured I had gotten as much comic mileage out of making theories and observations from a crazy person’s perspective as possible. But fuck that. Here’s another theory.
My theory on modern communication.
I used to...
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Applebee's.
I love the place. It’s the cheapest place I know of to get a couple beers and something to munch on after 10.
That being said, no one, and I mean NO ONE is going to make me go back there for at least the next two weeks.
I’ve spent enough time there over the past month to be considered a part time employee. I know member of the wait staff by name. If I eat there one more time,...
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Today, I did nothing.
Today, I did what I do best. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don’t get an opportunity to do nothing often, especially not recently. I’ve learned that doing nothing is a difficult task for me.
More often than not, I find myself doing something. And when I’m not doing something, I tried endlessly to find something to do. I go up and down my Mental Checklist to find something to do...
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Smooth Jazz.
I grew up listening to Smooth Jazz or Contemporary Jazz. My parents would say I liked it. I would say I liked it because it was all I knew up until age five.
Today I hate it. Despise it. Listening to it is like drinking a glass of pollen.
When they’re recording this nonsense, do they realize how bad it sounds? Are they purposefully trying to make music that is lifeless and uninteresting?...
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The Anti-Disaster Kit.
Hey, man. Terrorism is terrible. If I learned anything from George W. Bush, it’s that you should have a color coded terrorism threat level alert scale. This way you know when to be scared, when to be extra scared and when to be just slightly anxious.
If I learned anything from Mary Poppins, it’s to always be ready for anything. I’m not sure how Mary Poppins taught me this. But...
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Max Payne 3 Review by Jake Baldino. →
A longtime friend of the Visionaries, here’s Jake Baldino giving his take on Max Payne 3 - a video game that both Visionaries have thoroughly enjoyed.
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The Mental Waiting List.
I’ve been really meaning to apologize to a lot of people lately. Including whoever is reading this post.
You see, I’m naturally a sort of indecisive person when it comes to certain things. The last thing you want to do is leave something petty up to me. It takes me about twenty minutes to decide what kind of beer I want to drink, or what type of creamer I want in my coffee.
So the...
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Carcissism
car·cis·sism - the unhealthy obsession and admiration of one’s vehicle.
I coined this term while driving home today. I’ve come to the realization that some people are more fascinated with their cars than the more important things life has to offer. Like romantic comedies, Andy Rooney, or those chicken nuggets made of chicken paste.
Carcissism can be seen cars themselves, and the...
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There's a fly in my Macbook
It sputters around, reads Freud and raises awareness of the blue cookies. Whatever those are.
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Advice.
You know, I like to give advice to people. It’s sort of like a trial run. I want to see if it works before I actually do any of it. It shows me what I should and should not do.
For example, about a week ago, a good friend of mine was having a bit of trouble with his girlfriend. Being that I’m single and a comedy writer of all things, I was the ideal person to ask advice from.
He...
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April 2012
13 posts
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The Prideful Stride.
This piece was inspired by Honorary Visionary Geetanjali Toronto
The Walk of Shame. It’s the morning following a night in which you’ve had just a touch too much to drink. Alright, several touches too much to drink. A drink of touches aplenty! That didn’t make sense. Anyway, you wake up next to whatever his name is. You slink out out of bed, grab your clothes and exit as silently as possible.
All...
Today, there was something on fire on the highway. Well, not on the highway. On the service road to the highway.
Well, on the service road going in the opposite direction.
More to the point, I was driving and saw a huge pillar of black smoke, quickly followed by several other similar pillars of black smoke.
My initial reaction: “Oh, shit.”
The second reaction: “Oh...
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My Room.
Over the years, it’s kind of turned into an oversized safe deposit box/walk-in closet with a bed and television.
Actually, that’s exactly what it is. A walk-in closet with a bed and television. I’ve completely given up on cleaning it. It’s impossible to organize it, because every item in my room would fall under the category of “miscellaneous”.
I think...
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My Short-term Goal.
I’ve made no secrets about the fact that I think I have what it takes to be Batman. Or at the very least, a good terrorist.
Don’t take that the wrong way, though.
I just need to get back to the gym, man. That’s the only thing holding me back. And I need to find a decent source of anabolic steroids. And someone willing to inject me with them. Preferably January Jones.
While...
March 2012
26 posts
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Don't spell words wrong during a text...
Here’s the situation. You’re texting someone. Let’s assume you are both reasonably intelligent and reasonably normal (this automatically rules out both Visionaries).
One way or another, sciatica makes its way into the conversation. Sciatica is a tough word to spell. Say that aloud and there are at least three other ways you could spell it following the conventions of modern...
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http://enpundit.com/2011/nyc-underworld →
This is the type of stuff I wish I could do, being interested in the city and its infrastructure. This guy is an absolute daredevil.
-Justin
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You want to see John Carter?
The answer seems to be a resounding no. The movie is slated to be a huge box office bomb, with Disney admitting to a projected loss of somewhere around $200 million on the project.
It’s a devastating blow to the company, as it’s directed by one of their brightest stars from Pixar, Andrew Stanton, most famous for heart-warming animated features like Wall-E and Finding Nemo. Plus, they...
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Where have you been?!
How do you answer this? I really want to know because I get it all the time.
I work in a pharmacy part-time while commuting to school, as you might or might not know. The very nature of being a part timer in retail is that your schedule rotates - your availability aside. You don’t work the same days at the same time all the time.
Because of my school schedule, my work schedule fluctuates...
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Xerox?
That’s a funny word. Kinda like “phonograph” or “Paul McCartney.”
These are things that at one time or another, people could not fathom them not being well known. Everyone knows what Xeroxing is, right? I mean, it’s so prevalent that it’s known by a brand name.
But soon, and that soon might be sooner than we think, the word along with the associated...
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I was in the shower the other day and I said to myself, “Shit, I forgot to buy face wash.”
Thanks for reading.
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Daylight Saving Time.
Why do we still do this crazy shit, man?
I’m not mad because I’m losing an hour of sleep. I don’t go to bed like a normal person to begin with. I’m mad because with every passing minute, daylight saving time makes less and less sense.
I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of this business for the past six years and every source I consult comes out with a different...
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I was awoken this morning by the sound of my own death.
Actually, it was my younger brother throwing up. He’s a big kid. Six feet, five inches. 250 pounds and some change. I always wonder how it was possible for the same two parents to yield him after yielding a five foot, ten inch and 150 trumpet playing comedian.
But anyway, I’ve never heard someone throw up the way this guy...
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The Incredible, Edible Brain. →
This article, and the website it came from, is awesome. Particularly if you’re a psych nerd like I am. I can’t get enough of this stuff.