two visionaries visualizing.

It sputters around, reads Freud and raises awareness of the blue cookies. Whatever those are.

You know, I like to give advice to people. It’s sort of like a trial run. I want to see if it works before I actually do any of it. It shows me what I should and should not do. 

For example, about a week ago, a good friend of mine was having a bit of trouble with his girlfriend. Being that I’m single and a comedy writer of all things, I was the ideal person to ask advice from. 

He tells me his little problem and I make little affirmative noises to show that I’m listening. Sometimes I’d look at him. You know, the works. 

Then he stopped talking. At first, I thought he was choking so I started screaming and I called the police. But it turned out he was waiting for me to answer a question he thought I heard him ask. 

So I said, “Oh shit, nevermind,” and hung up on the panicked 911 operator. After throwing my phone out of the window and changing my legal name to avoid getting in trouble, I asked him to repeat the question. 

What he wanted was advice. 

So I told him, “Listen, Lester,” (sidenote: his name isn’t Lester. I just like alliteration). “What you need to do is to tell that bitch to shut the fuck up.”

A few days later, while he was trying to break a metal folding chair over my back, I found out that they had broken up, largely due to my tidbit of advice. 

So now, I know never to say that to any bitch, particularly if the said bitch happens to be my girlfriend. And also, I found that WWE wrestling has a negative impact on children exposed to it. 

I’m back. 

-JJM

This piece was inspired by Honorary Visionary Geetanjali Toronto

The Walk of Shame. It’s the morning following a night in which you’ve had just a touch too much to drink. Alright, several touches too much to drink. A drink of touches aplenty! That didn’t make sense. Anyway, you wake up next to whatever his name is. You slink out out of bed, grab your clothes and exit as silently as possible.

All the people around you are clean, fresh and peppy, ready for the new day. Meanwhile, you’re still wearing the sequined mini dress from the night before. You can feel everyone’s eyes on you. They’re judging you. They’re guilting you with unforgiving stares and smirks. You’re on the Walk of Shame.

But, wait. Timeout. Why are you guilty? And why are you shameful? Isn’t sex what all those poor staring souls wish they were doing? Of course it is, sex is what everyone wants to do. You shouldn’t be ashamed, you should be proud. Hey, you got laid last night by so-and-so! And all of them didn’t! This ain’t no walk of shame, it should be a walk of accomplishment.

That isn’t very catchy.

I got it! The Prideful Stride!

You’re going to hold your head up high! You did good work last night and you will rub it in all of their disapproving faces!

What’s the point of being young if I don’t get to have fun with it? What’s the point of having boobs if a stranger doesn’t motorboat them every once in awhile? There is no point, I tell you! God made me a girl for a reason and I’m sure going to make him proud by using what I was blessed with. So from this day foward I propose for everyone to share their gifts from god with eachother, sharing is caring after all.

Written by Justin J. Milliner, as envisioned by and from the perspective of Gee Toronto. Or something like that.